I remember joining a new team a few years ago. I was still finding my feet, learning everyone’s name, working out the culture, figuring out who was who. And then I was asked to host the team’s away day. For 70 people.
So speaking in front of a big audience hasn’t always come naturally to me. And I think it’s safe to say that back then, standing at the front of the room wasn’t where I felt most comfortable. But I said yes. I prepped, I planned and I did what I often do, I put on my ‘host’ energy. I even opened with a joke.
What you see isn’t always the full picture
About halfway through the day, we did a group exercise at the tables. Each table was asked to share back a summary of their discussion. Someone I respected, who always spoke up in meetings and seemed totally at ease in the spotlight, turned to me and said: “Jo, you do it. You’re such a natural. You’re so much better at this than me.”
Honestly? I was surprised. There I was assuming they felt completely confident and at ease. And there they were, assuming the same about me. That moment stuck with me. It reminded me how easy it is to look around and think other people are cruising while we’re paddling like mad underneath the surface. But most of us are paddling. Especially when it comes to speaking up, presenting or doing something that puts us ‘out there’.
It’s common to not love speaking in public
I’ve lost count of the number of women I’ve spoken to over the years who say things like “I’m not a confident speaker” or “I hate giving presentations.” And yet, on the outside they’re composed, clear, and engaging. We can be very good at masking.
In fact, research backs this up. Studies have shown that women are more likely to mask their emotions in professional settings, especially when it comes to showing vulnerability or anxiety. One study found that women were significantly more likely than men to hide emotions in the workplace to meet social expectations. So when women find speaking up harder, it isn’t because there is something wrong with us. We are navigating expectations that men don’t necessarily face in the same way. I explore this topic more in ‘It’s Not Just Confidence: Why Speaking Up Is Harder For Women.’
Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outside
It’s easy to look at someone else speaking confidently and assume they’ve always found it easy. But in reality you rarely know what’s happening beneath the surface. They might be feeling nervous, preparing carefully or managing doubts that you would never see. Just as they often don’t know what’s really going on for you.
This doesn’t mean you need to share every worry or announce your nerves before you speak. In fact, starting with “I’m really nervous” or “I’m not very good at this” can unintentionally reinforce the doubts you’re trying to overcome. Instead, give yourself permission to feel nervous and still believe that you have something valuable to say.
Try not to assume you’re the only person who finds speaking difficult
If you admire someone’s speaking style, be curious. Ask them how they prepare, whether they ever feel nervous or what helps them feel confident. You might be surprised by their answer. In my experience, most people are working on something. For many people, that includes managing nerves and building confidence when speaking in front of others. So be kind to yourself and remember that what you see on the outside is only part of the story.
Ready to Finally Change How You Feel About Public Speaking?
My new group workshop, Speaking with Confidence, is designed to help you understand the real reasons behind public speaking nerves and build genuine confidence from within. We focus on mindset, purpose, and simple techniques that you can use in real-life situations in a small group of women who understand the challenges of speaking up.
