When I worked in the Civil Service, I remember being sent on one of those traditional public speaking courses. It covered the usual things: how to structure a presentation, how to use your hands, and how to smile more (groan). The advice on dealing with nerves was minimal, limited to suggestions like sipping water or taking a breath.
At the time, I was deep in the throes of public speaking anxiety, and I can assure you, no amount of water was going to help me. It was well-meaning, but for me, it missed the point entirely.
Why Public Speaking Can Feel Harder for Women
The problem isn’t that women don’t know how to smile. Or that they haven’t figured out how to use PowerPoint. The problem is deeper than that and it’s one that traditional public speaking training rarely touches.
For many women, the biggest barriers to speaking up aren’t simply about technique or individual confidence. We are navigating expectations that have been shaped by a society that has historically (and continues to) dictate how women should behave, communicate and take up space. We have been judged for being too loud, too direct, too emotional or too confident, while also being criticised for being too quiet or lacking confidence.
So when women find speaking up harder, it isn’t because there is something wrong with us. We are navigating expectations that men don’t necessarily face in the same way.
What the Data Tells Us
We’re often told that women need to be more confident, more assertive or better at speaking up. But what happens when we do?
Research suggests that women can face different reactions when they communicate with confidence, authority and directness. A meta-analysis of 63 studies looked at how people responded to dominant behaviour in men and women. It found that women experienced a greater penalty in terms of likability, particularly when they were direct or made explicit demands. Yet there was no significant difference between men and women in how competent they were perceived to be.
In other words, the issue isn’t simply whether women have the confidence to speak with authority. Women can be perceived as equally competent while facing a greater social cost for displaying behaviours associated with authority.
This matters because the message to women can become contradictory: speak up, be confident and make your voice heard, but don’t be too loud, too direct, too demanding or too much. Those expectations can make speaking up harder for women.
The Barriers Women Can Face
So when we stand up to speak, it’s not just nerves we’re dealing with. We can also be navigating years of messages about how we should behave, how much space we should take up and how we should come across to others.
That can create a lot of second-guessing. Am I being too direct? Am I talking for too long? Am I coming across as confident or arrogant? Should I say what I really think, or soften it? Is it better to stay quiet than risk getting it wrong?
And this is where advice like “just breathe” or “picture everyone naked” can feel so inadequate. Breathing exercises can help regulate the physical symptoms of nerves, but they can’t address the bigger question of why speaking up can feel like such a high-stakes experience in the first place.
Building Confidence on Our Own Terms
We can’t change every expectation placed on women, but we can build the confidence to communicate in a way that feels authentic to us rather than trying to fit someone else’s idea of how we should speak.
That doesn’t mean pretending the barriers aren’t there or simply telling ourselves to think positively. It means recognising the wider context women are navigating while developing practical ways to work with fear, rather than letting it dictate what we say or whether we speak at all.
You may still feel nervous. You may still question yourself before you speak. But understanding where some of those feelings come from can change the way you respond to them. How we interpret those experiences can also shape the confidence we build over time. I explore this in more detail in Why Isn’t Public Speaking Getting Easier? The Missing Piece in Building Confidence.
If you want support to feel more confident speaking up and communicating with greater clarity, find out more about my public speaking coaching.
