I’ve been reflecting on a number of coaching conversations I’ve had recently, and one theme comes up again and again: the beliefs women hold about their ability to speak in public.
Not their actual ability. Their beliefs.
Because when you listen closely, the pattern is often very clear.
“I’m fine in small groups, but I panic in front of a big audience.”
“I’m good on online calls, but face-to-face meetings make me anxious.”
“I can speak confidently with my team, but not with senior leaders.”
“I’m fine with familiar people, but a new audience throws me completely.”
And so on.
At first glance, it might seem like you need more practice in these different situations. But when you break it down, something else is usually going on.
You can already do this – just not everywhere (yet)
When I reflect this back to clients, I usually say something quite simple:
The good news is you’ve just shown me that you can communicate well.
You’ve said yourself that you do it with your team, your peers, in smaller groups, or in familiar settings. So the skill is there.
What changes is not your ability. It’s your belief.
In some situations, you believe you can communicate clearly and so you do. Your thoughts are calmer, your body feels more settled, and you get your point across. That’s not a coincidence.
In other situations, the belief shifts. You truly believe you can’t communicate in that scenario. And that changes everything.
Because beliefs shape thoughts, thoughts influence how you feel, and feelings ultimately impact how you show up.
When your belief works against you
If you believe a situation is risky or exposing, your brain treats it as a threat.
It doesn’t matter that you’re “just” speaking in a meeting or giving a presentation. Your body responds as though something more serious is happening.
You might notice:
- your heart racing
- your mind going blank
- your breathing becoming shallow
- a strong urge to avoid the situation altogether
This isn’t a personal failing. It’s a very normal and useful physiological response when we’re in danger. And it is being fuelled by the belief that this is a situation where something could go wrong. But if that belief stays unchallenged, it tends to reinforce itself. And then nothing changes.
Where these beliefs come from
Most of these beliefs haven’t appeared overnight.
They’re often shaped by small moments over time:
- being interrupted or spoken over
- having an idea dismissed
- being questioned in a way that felt exposing
- receiving feedback that stuck more than it should have
- or observing this behaviour directed towards other women
Sometimes it’s a single moment you can still remember clearly. Other times, it’s a build-up of experiences that have quietly shaped how safe it feels to speak up.
Your brain stores these moments as reference points. As a way of saying, “Be careful here.”
Which makes sense, but it isn’t always helpful.
Practice matters… but it’s not the whole picture
There’s no question that experience helps.
The more you speak, the more evidence you give yourself that you can handle it. Over time, that can reduce the intensity of the fear response.
But there’s another side to this.
If you’re putting yourself into speaking situations and it’s not getting any easier, mindset is likely playing a bigger role than you think.
Because if you go into each situation expecting it to go badly, you can end up reinforcing the belief that this is something to fear.
So you’re getting the experience – but not the shift.
Separating fact from belief
One of the most useful starting points is learning to separate belief from fact.
For example:
- Belief: I can’t speak in large groups
- Fact: I experience physical signs of nerves when presenting to large audiences
These aren’t the same thing.
But when you don’t question the belief, it starts to feel like fact.
And that’s when it begins to shape your behaviour.
A few questions that can help
You can start to shift your mindset, and see a difference in how you speak, by noticing and gently challenging what’s there.
Try this exercise:
What’s one limiting belief that comes up in relation to your speaking?
- Is this actually true?
- What evidence supports this belief?
- What evidence challenges it?
- Is there a more helpful way to think about this?
- What would I say to someone else in this situation?
Even the strongest belief isn’t fixed. Simply noticing it, writing it down, naming it, questioning it – begins to create a little space.
A thought to leave you with
If you only work on your delivery or focus on getting more practice, you’re often working on the surface. But when you begin to notice the thoughts and beliefs fuelling your nerves, you’re working at the root.
It doesn’t make everything instantly comfortable. But it gives you somewhere solid to begin. Because when you change the story underneath and the meaning you attach to speaking it shapes how your body responds.
Ready to take this further?
If you’ve recognised yourself in some of these patterns, the next step isn’t to wait until you feel more confident.
It’s to start building the skills and mindset together, so you’re not just hoping it gets easier, but actively changing how you think, feel and show up when you speak.
If you’d like some structure and support with that, I’ve created a course designed specifically for women who want to feel calmer and more confident when speaking in meetings, presentations or any situation where they feel under pressure.
You can find out more here
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