If you want to reduce public speaking anxiety and ultimately improve your public speaking skills, then feedback can be a valuable resource. But here’s the bind! Not all feedback is equally useful, and some can actually do more harm than good.
So what do I mean by this? Well, what if the feedback you’re receiving isn’t entirely fair? What if the very advice meant to help you grow is actually making you shrink? It might just be the case. Because research shows that women often face more unfair and harsh feedback compared to men.
Why? Well, societal expectations often cast women as nurturing, accommodating, and less assertive. So when we exhibit leadership qualities that don’t fit this mold—like being assertive or ambitious, others often perceive this negatively.
Let’s say you get told you’re ‘too aggressive.’ What happen’s next? Do we question the feedback? Sadly, we often accept and absorb it and try to make ourselves ‘less,’ thinking the issue lies with us. But is the problem really us? What if the real issue lies with the feedback giver? What if it’s society’s biases and stereotypes that need to be challenged, not our behaviour? Maybe it’s not even the case that so many women lack confidence. Maybe we’re just acutely aware of how confident women are treated in the workplace!
The Challenge of Feedback for Women: What The Data Says
Research consistently shows that feedback for women often differs significantly from that given to men. This is not just the content of the feedback but also in tone and focus. A study by McKinsey & Company found women are more likely to receive critical feedback on their communication style than on the substance of their work. This contrasts with men, who tend to receive more actionable feedback aimed at helping them advance their careers.
Further studies reveal that women are often described as too aggressive or abrasive, even when exhibiting the same behaviours praised as leadership qualities in men. Another study by the Stanford University Clayman Institute for Gender Research found that women often receive generic praise or vague feedback. This included “you had a great year,” or “tone it down,” or “be more collaborative,” or “you need to be more confident.” In contrast, the data shows men are more likely to receive specific guidance on improving their skills and performance. Such as “you need to deepen your domain knowledge in X to contribute to the design decisions that impact the customer.”
How Does The Feedback Bind Play Out?
Consider this scenario: A woman gives a direct and clear presentation, focusing on results and actionable strategies. Afterwards, she receives feedback that she came across as “too intense” or “not approachable enough.” Meanwhile, her male colleague, who presented in a similar manner, is praised for his “strong leadership” and “decisive communication.” This type of feedback not only undermines her confidence but sends a message that her natural leadership style is unwelcome.
Or a woman who speaks up in a meeting, offering a strong opinion on a key decision. Instead of her insights being valued, she’s told that she needs to “work on her delivery” or that her passion is “off-putting.” These types of comments can leave women feeling that their contributions are less valued. It’s simply because they don’t conform to the stereotypical expectations of how women should behave in the workplace.
On a personal level, I’ve experienced this too. Despite being well-prepared and confident in my delivery, I’ve been told that I should smile more. Can you imagine how many times my male colleagues have been given the same advice? Yes, exactly. This feedback not only feels dismissive but also reinforces the expectation that women should always appear pleasant and agreeable, even in professional settings. It’s a stark reminder of the different standards we’re often held to, which can be both frustrating and disheartening.
The Impact on Women’s Confidence and Growth
So, what happens when we absorb biased or unfair feedback? The effects can be more significant than we might initially realise. When you’re consistently told that you’re too assertive, too intense, or that you need to smile more, it can start to chip away at your confidence. Over time, you might begin to second-guess yourself, doubting whether your natural strengths are actually flaws that need fixing.
But what does that do to your professional growth? Well, instead of focusing on developing your skills and advancing in your career, you might find yourself holding back. You’re trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t made for you. This can create a cycle where you’re constantly adjusting your behaviour to meet others’ expectations, rather than embracing your unique qualities. And the real kicker? The issue was never really with you—it’s with the biased feedback you’ve been receiving.
Now, let’s think about how this ties into public speaking anxiety. If you’ve been conditioned to believe that your natural communication style is somehow ‘wrong’ or needs to be toned down, it’s no wonder that the idea of speaking in public might fill you with dread. Importantly, it’s not just about the feedback you’ve personally received. When you’ve seen how other women in the workplace and wider society are treated, your subconscious picks this up too. This collective experience can spark your anxiety, making it even harder to engage in activities like public speaking. The fear of being judged or misunderstood can loom large, creating additional barriers that shouldn’t be there in the first place.
Why Women Should Seek Feedback When Public Speaking
So, if the data shows that the feedback we receive can be unfair, harsh, and often focused on unhelpful things like our emotions and appearance, why would you seek it out?
It’s a valid question. After all, if the feedback you’re likely to receive is biased or unconstructive, it seems counterintuitive to put yourself in a position to hear it. But here’s something worth considering: when dealing with public speaking anxiety, we can be our own worst critic. In my experience, many women hold themselves to a much higher standard than they would anyone else. In turn, the self-judgement can also be overly harsh.
“I am truly awful at public speaking,” “I always speak way too fast and I talk nonsense,” “I waffle, make no sense, and everyone is bored.” These are statements I’ve heard women say about themselves in the last few weeks alone.
But here’s the thing—I rarely hear someone who provides a balanced critique of their own skills. A more constructive self-assessment might look like this:
“I delivered my presentation within the allocated time and covered all the main points with my audience. I handled the follow-up questions with ease. Although I felt some physical signs of nerves, I managed them well. The nerves meant I spoke a little quickly at the start, but the pace improved as I continued.”
This kind of reflection is much more helpful than simply concluding, “Oh god, that was awful! Why do I always speak so fast.” It acknowledges both strengths and areas for improvement, giving a more realistic picture of your performance.
Feedback Can Help Counteract Harsh Self-Criticism
This self-criticism often leads us to internalise negative opinions and criticisms about our public speaking abilities—sometimes to an extent that isn’t backed up by reality. We start believing we’re not good enough, even when there’s little evidence to support that belief. The body’s fear response is reinforced, and the cycle of public speaking anxiety continues. In this scenario, seeking external feedback, especially from diverse and supportive sources, can help counteract this internal narrative. By getting input from others, you may find that your perception of your abilities is more critical than necessary and that there are strengths you’re overlooking.
Moreover, constructive feedback can highlight areas where you’re doing well, giving you the confidence to keep improving. It can also provide practical tips to address any genuine areas for improvement. All of which can help reduce your public speaking anxiety over time.
So, while not all feedback is created equal, seeking it out—carefully and from the right sources—can be a powerful tool in your journey to becoming a more confident public speaker.
How Do You Get Useful Feedback?
How to ensure you get feedback that’s helpful not a hinderance? Well, I make it a point to seek feedback from people I respect. I am selective about which feedback I act on, especially if it’s unsolicited. However, if the feedback is specific, constructive, comes from someone who I consider an expert, and aligns with my goals, then it can be a valuable way to help me improve.
By being deliberate about where your feedback comes from, you can ensure that it’s not only fair but also useful in helping you become a more confident and effective public speaker. Check out my blog “How to use feedback to improve your public speaking skills” for strategies on how to seek out, recognise and filter helpful feedback. Learn how to utilise feedback so that it supports your growth and confidence.
Further Support with Public Speaking?
Ready to shatter your speaking fears and overcome public speaking anxiety? As a public speaking coach, I’ve seen countless individuals transform their fear into confidence. Not sure where to start? You might find some useful insights in my blog, “Public Speaking Nerves: The Power of Believing You Can Improve.“
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