Have you ever left a meeting and wondered whether you could have communicated your point better? Perhaps you were interrupted before you had finished, or what you said didn’t quite land in the way you wanted it to. You might find yourself wondering afterwards whether you could have said it differently.
Or perhaps you didn’t communicate your point at all. You had something you wanted to say, but you weren’t sure when to jump in. Someone else was already speaking. You didn’t want to interrupt. You weren’t completely sure your idea was right. Or you started to wonder whether it was worth saying at all.
I’ve worked with lots of women who describe experiences like this
They can have plenty to say, but find themselves holding back in meetings. Sometimes they’re worried about getting it wrong. Sometimes they’re waiting for the right moment to speak and never quite find it. And sometimes they’ve had experiences that have made them more cautious about putting themselves forward.
I think it’s important to look at what’s happening here, rather than simply deciding that the answer is for women to become more confident. Because there can often be something else going on.
The Gender Gap in Meetings
Sometimes the way women are treated in meetings can affect how confident we feel about speaking up. You might make a point and be interrupted before you’ve finished. Or you might say something that isn’t acknowledged, only for someone else to make a similar point later and have the conversation move forward. You might have your expertise questioned, even when you know your subject well.
These experiences can start to make you question your own communication. Was I clear enough? Did I explain it well enough? Should I have been more confident? Maybe I need to work on my presence.
But what if the problem isn’t how you communicated your point?
What if the way your contribution was received was influenced by something other than the quality of what you had to say?
In The Authority Gap, Mary-Ann Sieghart explores why women can be taken less seriously than men, including when they have considerable expertise and experience. Her research looks at behaviours such as women being interrupted, talked over, ignored or having their expertise challenged. She also draws on her own experiences of being treated in ways that didn’t reflect her seniority or expertise.
Carla Miller explores a related issue in Closing the Influence Gap. She describes the influence gap as a systemic problem rather than a problem with women and specifically identifies women struggling to get their voices heard in meetings and to have a seat at the table when decisions are being made.
I think both are useful when we look at what happens in meetings. Because some of the things that can make it difficult for women to speak up aren’t about what they’re saying at all.
What Can You Do If This Happens?
So what can you do if you find yourself in one of these situations? Well, there are a few things you can consider in the moment.
If you’re presenting, it can help to set expectations at the start about when you’ll take questions. If you’re happy to take questions at the end, say so. This can make it easier to keep your train of thought rather than having people interrupt while you’re speaking.
If someone interrupts you in a meeting, you can wait for them to finish and then return to your point. “As I was saying…” or “I’ll just finish my point” is enough. You don’t need to apologise for continuing.
If someone makes the same point you made earlier and it gets picked up, you can bring your contribution back into the conversation. “That’s the point I was making earlier” or “I’d like to build on the point I made earlier” reminds people where the idea came from without turning it into a confrontation.
You can also choose to address what happened afterwards. If someone regularly talks over you, for example, you could speak to them privately or raise it with the chair. Sometimes people genuinely aren’t aware of the effect their behaviour is having.
If You’re Chairing Or Facilitating
If we recognise that gender can influence the dynamics of a meeting, then the person chairing or facilitating has a responsibility too. It isn’t enough to expect the person who is struggling to be heard to simply speak up more. If you’re leading the meeting, your role matters too. From managing interruptions to making space for different voices, there are practical ways to create a more inclusive discussion. I explore these in more detail in this blog on chairing meetings.
We Can Support Each Other
There is also a role for colleagues in the room. If you notice that a woman’s contribution has been overlooked, you can choose to support her.
There’s a good example of this from the Obama White House. Female staffers noticed that women’s contributions in meetings were sometimes being ignored, so they developed a practice they called “amplification”. When a woman made an important point, another woman would repeat it and make sure to credit the person who had originally made it.
I like the idea of this as a way of supporting each other. It doesn’t mean we need to take responsibility for every interaction in a meeting. It is simply about noticing when someone’s contribution hasn’t been heard or recognised and, when we can, helping to make sure it is.
Don’t Automatically Assume It’s You
I think this is worth remembering when you leave a meeting questioning yourself. Maybe you could have explained your point differently. Maybe you could have spoken sooner. Sometimes there will be something you can learn from how you communicated. But sometimes the dynamics of the meeting played a part too – and that distinction is important.
Want to Feel More Confident Speaking Up?
If you’d like to feel more confident speaking up in meetings and other work situations, my group coaching programme gives you the opportunity to develop your communication skills, practise in a supportive group and learn alongside other women who are working on similar challenges.
Find out more about the group coaching programme.
