“Um.” “Like.” “You know.” We all have words and phrases we use when we speak. But which ones do you use? And have you even realised?
Perhaps you use “um” when you’re thinking about what to say next. Maybe “like” has crept into your everyday speech. Or perhaps you regularly say “to be honest”, “to be fair” or “lovely” without giving it a second thought.
Used occasionally, there’s nothing wrong with any of these words. But when a word or phrase becomes a habit and you use it repeatedly, it can start to distract from what you’re actually saying.
Some of these are known as filler words. Others are simply words or phrases we’ve come to rely on. Either way, becoming aware of your own verbal habits can be useful – particularly when you’re speaking in situations where you want your message to land.
You might have a verbal habit you don’t know about
Most of us don’t hear ourselves in quite the same way other people do. When we’re speaking, we’re focused on what we’re trying to say, not on every word we’re using. That means you might not realise how often you use a particular word or phrase. Perhaps you start your answers with “so”. Maybe “to be honest” appears several times in a conversation. Or you find yourself saying “um” whenever you’re thinking about what to say next.
These words and phrases aren’t necessarily a problem. In fact, they’re often perfectly natural parts of conversation. It’s the repetition that can make them noticeable. And sometimes, you only realise you have a distracting verbal habit when someone points it out to you. But once you know it’s there, you might suddenly start noticing it everywhere.
How Do I Find Out What My Habits Are?
There are a few ways to find out. You could:
- Record yourself speaking and listen back for repeated words or phrases.
- Ask someone you trust to listen and tell you what they notice.
- Use an AI tool to analyse a transcript of something you’ve said and identify repeated words or phrases.
You may be surprised by what you discover. The point isn’t to scrutinise every word. It’s to become aware of your patterns so you can decide whether there is anything you actually want to change.
Why Do We Use These Words or Phrases?
There are lots of reasons we might rely on certain words or phrases when we’re speaking.
Sometimes we’re buying ourselves time to think. Saying “um” or “you know” can give your brain a moment to work out what you’re going to say next. Sometimes we’re uncomfortable with silence. A pause can feel much longer to the person speaking than it does to the person listening, so we fill it. Nerves can play a part too. If you’re anxious about speaking, you might speak more quickly, making it harder to organise your thoughts and find the words you want. And sometimes, there isn’t a particular reason. A word or phrase has simply become part of the way you speak.
So, saying “um” doesn’t automatically mean you’re lacking confidence. You can be knowledgeable, prepared and confident and still overuse certain words. The more useful question is whether the words and phrases you rely on are getting in the way of your message.
When Does It Start to Matter?
Using “um” occasionally isn’t something you need to worry about. Nor is saying “to be honest”, “to be fair” or “lovely” when the phrase genuinely adds something to what you’re saying. It can become an issue when a word or phrase is repeated so often that it distracts from your message.
Ask yourself:
- Am I using this word because it adds something, or simply because I’ve got into the habit?
- Is it making what I’m saying harder to follow?
- Am I using it because I’m uncomfortable with silence?
- Does it happen more when I’m nervous or under pressure?
The aim isn’t to remove every word or phrase you use regularly. It’s to notice the habits that might be getting in the way of what you’re trying to communicate.
And this brings us to a wider point about the language we use when we speak.
Is your language undermining your message?
Filler words aren’t the same as undermining language. But once you start paying attention to the words you use, you may notice another pattern: ways of speaking that can unintentionally make your message sound less certain or important than it is.
In Playing Big, Tara Mohr describes this as undermining language. It includes words and phrases that qualify, apologise for or downplay what we’re about to say.
For example:
- “I just wanted to suggest…”
- “Sorry, this might be a silly idea…”
- “I’m probably overthinking this, but…”
Each phrase adds something before the actual point has even been made. And none of it strengthens the message. This isn’t about removing every softening phrase from the way you speak. It’s about noticing when you’re unnecessarily qualifying what you have to say and deciding whether you really need to. Find out more about undermining language in this blog by Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big.
You don’t need to sound perfect
Becoming more aware of your verbal habits doesn’t mean trying to eliminate every “um”, pause or repeated phrase from your speech. If you’re already nervous about speaking, constantly monitoring every word can make it harder to focus on what you’re actually trying to say. The goal isn’t to sound polished or perfect. It’s to communicate your ideas clearly and give yourself enough space to think.
So, notice your habits. Decide which ones are getting in the way. Then work on those, rather than trying to change everything at once.
If you’ve discovered that filler words are something you’d like to reduce, I’ve created a practical guide with simple steps to help you identify and work on them.
Want to Feel More Confident When you Speak
Filler words are just one part of how we communicate. If you’d like support to become a more confident and effective speaker, you can find out more about my coaching services.
