“Um.” “Like.” “You know.” We all have certain words and phrases we overuse when we speak. But which ones do you use? And have you even realised?
Perhaps you use “um” when you’re thinking about what to say next. Maybe “like” has crept into every sentence. Or perhaps you regularly say “to be honest”, “to be fair” or “lovely” without giving it a second thought.
Used occasionally, there’s nothing wrong with any of these words. But when a word or phrase becomes a habit and you use it repeatedly, it can start to distract from what you’re actually saying.
Some of these are known as filler words – a word (or sound) used when you’re thinking about what to say next. Others are simply words or phrases we’ve come to rely on. Either way, becoming aware of your own verbal habits can be useful, particularly when you’re speaking in situations where you want your message to land.
You Might Have A Verbal Habit You Don’t Know About
Most of us don’t hear ourselves in quite the same way other people do. When we’re speaking, we’re focused on what we’re trying to say, not on every word we’re using. That means you might not realise how often you use a particular word or phrase. Perhaps you start your answers with “so”. Maybe “kind of” or “basically” appear many times in every conversation. Or you find yourself saying “you know what I mean” at the end of each sentence.
Sometimes, you only realise you have a distracting verbal habit when someone points it out to you. But once you know it’s there, you might suddenly start noticing it everywhere.
How Do I Find Out What My Habits Are?
There are a few ways to find out. You could:
- Record yourself speaking and listen back for repeated words or phrases.
- Ask someone you trust to listen and tell you what they notice.
- Use an AI tool to analyse a transcript of something you’ve said and identify repeated words or phrases.
The point is not to over-analyse every word but to try to become aware of any patterns. Then you can decide whether there is anything you actually want to change. You may be surprised by what you discover!
Why Do We Use These Words or Phrases?
There are lots of reasons we might rely on certain words or phrases when we’re speaking.
Sometimes we’re buying ourselves time to think. This is a filler word. Saying “erm” or “I think” can give your brain a moment to work out what you’re going to say next. Sometimes we’re uncomfortable with silence. A pause can feel much longer to the person speaking than it does to the person listening, so we fill it.
Sometimes it’s because we speak too quickly. This makes it harder to organise your thoughts and find the words you want. Nerves can play a part too because if you’re anxious about speaking, you often speak more quickly.
Sometimes we are absorbing the language habits from people around us. And sometimes, there isn’t a particular reason. A word or phrase has simply become a habit or part of the way you speak.
When Does It Start to Matter?
The aim isn’t to remove every word or phrase you use regularly. It’s to notice the habits that might be getting in the way of what you’re trying to communicate.
Ask yourself:
- Am I using this word because it adds something or simply because I’ve got into the habit?
- Is it making what I’m saying harder to follow?
- Is it distracting for the audience?
- Am I using it because I’m uncomfortable with silence?
- Does it happen more when I’m nervous or under pressure?
Thinking about these questions can help you decide whether removing certain words or phrases will help you have more impact when you communicate.
And this brings us to a wider point about the language we use when we speak.
Is Your Language Undermining Your Message?
Filler words aren’t the same as undermining language. But once you start paying attention to the words you use, you may notice another pattern: ways of speaking that can unintentionally make your message sound less certain or important than it is.
In Playing Big, Tara Mohr describes this as undermining language. It includes words and phrases that qualify, apologise for or downplay what we’re about to say. And it’s something that women, in particular, do often.
For example:
- “I just wanted to ask…”
- “Sorry, this might be a silly question…”
- “I’m probably overthinking this, but…”
Each phrase adds something before the actual point has even been made. And none of it strengthens the message. Listen out for this and notice when you’re unnecessarily qualifying what you have to say and then decide whether you really need to. Find out more about what Tara Mohr says about the ways women can undermine themselves with their words.
Start With One
If you’ve noticed you have any habits that you’d like to change, then my advice is not to try to change everything at once. In my experience, it’s best to pick one thing to work on and focus on that first.
Starting with your writing is a good place to begin. You might notice, for example, that you use the same words or phrases in emails as you do when you speak. Writing gives you a chance to practise removing them without the pressure of having to think on your feet.
Then take it into your everyday conversations and meetings. Don’t wait until you’re giving an important presentation or speaking in front of large or senior audiences. Your regular meetings are a much better place to practise because there is less pressure and more opportunities to try something different.
At first, you might only realise you’ve done it afterwards. Damn, I just said it. Then, gradually, you’ll start catching yourself just before you say it. Eventually, you’ll find yourself choosing different words without having to think about it.
You could also ask a trusted colleague to give you some feedback. And if you use AI tools in meetings, you can use them to help you practise and get feedback on the language you’re using.
The important thing is not to expect everything to change overnight. But practise it regularly and give yourself time to make it a new habit.
You don’t need to sound perfect
Being more aware of your verbal habits doesn’t mean trying to eliminate every “um” or repeated phrase from your speech. Especially if you’re already nervous about speaking, constantly monitoring every word can make it harder to focus on what you’re actually trying to say. The goal isn’t to sound perfect. It’s to communicate your ideas clearly and give yourself enough space to think.
And if you do get nervous before you speak, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not ready or that you don’t speak well. I explore this in more detail in my blog, You Can Feel Nervous and Still Speak Well: Change How You Think About Nerves.
Want to Feel More Confident When you Speak
Filler words and verbal habits are just one part of how we communicate. If you’d like support to become a more confident and effective speaker, you can find out more about my coaching services.
